My Testimony
Giving my Testimony for the first time during the Encounter 2024 Testimonial Night
My broken and messed up life testimony began when I was at the innocent age of 11 when Satan entrapped me with the claws of sin for the next twenty-five years. I was baptized after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior while attending Reeds Baptist Church which also was my home church where I grew up attending every Sunday. One year later, curiosity of the physical body got the best of me. I was sitting in a 6th grade class and noticed that a classmate was looking at something hidden under his desk. He noticed that I was trying to figure out what he was hiding and asked me if I wanted to look. What my friend was looking at, just so happened to be a centerfold poster from a Playboy magazine. Little to my knowledge, did I know that one innocent look from curiosity would turn my life into downward spiral that would continue to pull me farther and farther from Jesus for the next 25 years of my life. My young and curious mind went wild with excitement. Adrenaline was rushing through my body and I wanted more. I was already curious about the female body beforehand, but clearly had never seen a body before my eyes. The centerfold was as explicit as Playboy would allow, and I only wanted more. My friend asked if I would like to take it, because he had more and he vowed that he had grown tired of that particular one. I excitedly said “Yes” and put it into my pocket. And just like that, a daughter of God was used and taken advantage of; she was discarded and passed on to the next predator. This would be the beginning steps that would continue for the next 25 years of my life without a finish line. The endless marathon of shame, guilt, lies, lust, regret and sin had only begun. Jesus was reaching out with His arms ready to wrap them around me. All I had to do was turn around and embrace his love. My young faith was too weak. My human self was seeking the wrong things. I let curiosity kick Jesus out of my heart and allow sin to move in.
Life went on as usual. My mind was chaotic den of racing thoughts that were sinful and vulgar. Thoughts of the centerfold poster kept creeping in, no matter how hard I tried to keep them at bay. As the days were passing, my habits begun to change. When a cute girl would cross my path, thoughts of “she’s really cute” would change to “I wonder how she looks naked.” The image of that poster would instantly appear in my mind when I saw a girl that I found interest in. Those curious thoughts would keep me captive until I found myself alone with that very same poster that began my downward spiral. Soon, I was in the very same mindset as the classmate that had offered me the poster. “I’m tired of this one” were my thoughts on the centerfold. I had to find more content and more women to use. Several magazines found their way into my possession which satisfied me for several years. Then the surge of the internet came along. I found myself finding movies of unspeakable acts and scenes. My alone time quickly became saturated with explicit and vulgar behavior that no human should ever witness.
Fast forward to 2010. The chains that had been slowly tightening their grip on me for the last 12 years became a Pornography addiction. December 4th 2010 marks the day that Samantha and I were married. I didn’t just bring Samantha into my marriage, I bought hundreds of other women with me. We were happy as any newlywed couple would be. That would soon come to a sudden halt when Samantha would discover sexual pictures on my phone. This was my first time being confronted about my secret, my sin. We argued and exchanged ugly words, spewing lies directly from Satan at one another. After a short while things started go back to normal and for the most part, I felt like we were doing better. From this point on, walls started to form around Samantha’s heart. We never really grew as close as you would expect from a newly married couple. Our closeness had a thick wall around each of us, only allowing each of us to give a tiny bit to one another. I had chains holding me down, keeping me from giving myself to my wife because my appetite was being filled by “other women.” Samantha’s walls were keeping her from trusting me, because of what I had done to her and to our marriage. Her depression and anxiety were starting to form, ensuring that the wall would be thicker than ever before. We were going from day to day not growing as a couple, more like roommates than a married couple. The issue of my pornography didn’t come up again for several years but the damage was already done. The trust was broken. Deep down in Samantha’s mind, she knew I was lying about any or all other content.
Fast forward again to 2016, six years into my marriage. The dreaded moment happens and my hidden sin is discovered again. At this time, Samantha and I had been attending High Rock Church. Throughout our marriage we attended several churches but none seemed to be home until now. I felt that my faith was true, but I was still being held captive by sin. Samantha's faith was being tested day by day, due to her mistrust in me. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but even still I did not care. My sin warped my mind while pulling me farther and farther from Jesus. I could feel his presence but the walls that I had built between me and God stopped any relationship from forming. I believed in Him, but was worshiping something else which caused me to stumble day after day again and again. Samantha threatened that she was leaving if I didn’t get help, because the addiction was only getting worse. One day after church, I asked the pastor if I could have some council. He agreed to take some time with me that week to speak about my addiction. He offered me a few resources, while referring me to s someone with experience of the same issue that I was dealing with.
Life was passing by great, and we were happy together. Eighteen months passed being sin free, and I was feeling like I was on top of the world. Until sin came creeping back into my life. I secretly did all the things to get better with still hiding my addiction of Pornography. My old habits of lies and deceit came back with the sin. Samantha would check in with me about my struggles, but she knew in her heart that I hadn’t fully let go of my sinful nature. The frequency of my sin was almost nonexistent. I believed to be cured as I needed to be since things were going fairly well.
Mid 2018, Samantha and I took a gamble at watching a TV series that we knew had some explicit content in it, but we were not anywhere near ready for the X Rated material that the show encased. We chose not to continue watching due to the content making Samantha sick. Well, it made her sick; the thoughts of her husband enjoying this show while I am sitting right next to him. The show did make me excited and the enemy was back into my life so quickly. All that it took was one scene on a Tv show to bring back all of the chains around my life, suffocating me until I could not breathe any longer. This time, my addiction came back full force; knocking me down so hard that it nearly drove me insane if I couldn’t get my hands on the material.
On Tuesday May 18, 2021 would mark a date I will never forget. It would be the last time I would actively lust for another women. The next day, my world would crumble apart only to be build back greater by God. Samantha would, yet again, find content on my computer. This time of discovery was different, but I couldn’t figure out how. It was God who led her to look at my computer and things that I had been doing online. Being led by God to confront me about what she discovered was done by nothing other than the Holy Spirit. Samantha’s words and actions were not of her own. She was full of righteous anger with a look on her face that was none other than God. I could tell something was different but I didn’t know how to put my finger on it. We had an honest conversation for the first time ever about my addiction and the chains that I was wrapped in. With every breath and every bone in her body, she wanted to leave our marriage and get out but God was telling her “NO, I’m not done with you yet. Trust me and follow my plan.”
The next few months were the hardest for both of us. I had to fight this addiction, which was nearly impossible. With seeing God speaking to me through Samantha, I knew the only way to overcome this was through Him and Him alone. I sought out counsel, I read books, I had an accountability partner. More importantly, I had Jesus by my side showing me the way. Early one morning, the enemy began throwing temptation after temptation my way. I started to pray for God to take my thoughts captive and to cast them away. Nothing way working, no matter how hard I prayed, the thoughts continued to entice me. An hour had passed and I truly believe that I had a panic attack, with my mind racing making my heart beat feel as if it was going to beat out of my chest. It was then that I knew that I had enough of the fight, enough of the pain. I cried out to God yelling “Take this pain from me. I can’t do this on my own. I surrender to you.” INSTANTLY, the panic was no more. The thoughts gone. I felt free. Free from guilt. Free from shame. Free from the weight I had been carrying for the last twenty-five years. Gone.
Time passes as it is now January 2024. My dad invited Samantha and I to attend a church he had been going to. Both shocked and intrigued, we both decided to give it a try. From the first Sunday we attended, we became hooked. After a few short months, we both felt like we were in a family at our church. Life is going really well, with both of us drawing closer to God and our new found church family. Our church invited everyone to the very first youth and young adult Encounter conference, that they were hosting in August. We figured that we would go because we love the church and wanted to support them. What I experienced that night I begin to explain other than pure surrounding presence of God that was stronger than anything I had ever imagined. We started to sing and worship to a song that would forever change my life; Brandon Lake’s song Gratitude. I kind of knew the words because Samantha would always play his music and beg me to try him out but had never truly listened.
I was singing and praising God for all of the good he has done in my life. Thoughts of never thanking God for redeeming me from my many years of sin began to flood my mind. After throwing up my hands in full surrender, I felt my body be pushed to the floor by the Holy Spirit. I was kneeling down with what felt to be God’s arms wrapped around me. I physically could not move or get up. Briefly, I fought the selfish nature of not wanting to let go of my sin. This is when I decided to surrender every sin, every thought, my past. Everything. Full surrender. At that moment, I finally let go and stopped running. This time of surrendering was different for me. I actually felt free for the first time in my life. Before, I only gave God my addiction and not my heart. Every day since then, I crave to be closer to Him. I seek to have daily surrender while learning more about God. I forever will trust in Jesus with every aspect of my life.
